Making Sense
I’ve been living in Calgary since November 2022 (last year), when some life circumstances forced a bit of a fork in my path and I had to make a pretty quick decision to either go back to Vancouver where I had been living for the last 12 years or go back to the city I grew up in (Calgary). I’m the type of person who has a hard time trusting my gut instinct due to years of struggling with anxiety and depression (my body often lies to me) so I honestly couldn’t make a decision for the life of me. But, I ultimately decided to hop on a plane straight to Calgary to be with my friends and family. And over the past couple of months, it has become so apparent that my decision to come back home was probably the best decision I’ve made in my adult life so far.
When I first arrived in Calgary I took a million long walks by myself, headphones in, contemplating what my next move would be. There was something telling me that I was where I was meant to be, but my mind was halfway back in Vancouver trying to come up with solutions to what I was currently being faced with. You know, all that fun stuff that you go through mentally when a big change happens like denial and bargaining with the universe. I wrote endlessly in my journal, lists of what I love about Calgary and what I love about Vancouver, opportunities I would have here vs. Vancouver. All the lists and every single thought I had about it, I wrote it all down.
Around three weeks after landing in Calgary - I had a thought that instead of resisting what was happening and heading back to Vancouver, I was going to embrace all of the changes I was faced with and make the move back to my home town. There were a few key moments that helped me make this decision. So, I’m going to tell you about them because it makes me happy and hopeful about life. It’s a lesson in trusting that there’s always something bigger at play, and maybe the hardest transitions in your life are about to expand your reality into something much more beautiful than before.
One of the things I was thinking about a lot on my endless walks, was becoming an Auntie to my niece Jules in the summer. It was such an incredible experience to be one of the first people to ever meet this special little gal, and I knew from the moment I met her that I wanted to be around for more than just the holidays, I wanted to watch her grow up. My sister and I have always been best friends and living apart from each other was really challenging. Coming back home made it easier to feel connected again. Spending time with my sister and Juliet (and their dog Mochi) was one of the most healing things for me on a spiritual level, and it redirected my focus away from the life I had been living to where I was in the present moment, home.
About a week into my impromptu landing in Calgary, my good friend Shawn hosted his cult movie night at The Next Page. Afterward, a few of us went to hang out and chat at Missy’s. I happened to sit across from a mutual friend (who I had just met earlier that evening) and by chance they were going through something really similar. I’m usually a pretty reserved person until I know someone really well, but I felt like I could be vulnerable in that moment and opened up to him about my current situation. I had the realization that I wasn’t alone in this when they related their experience back to me. We spoke about what it was like to have crazy waves of panic and uncertainty, what it all meant and how we were managing getting through it all (with a sprinkle of dark humour, of course, because trauma). It was the first time I felt connection to another person in weeks and that interaction made me feel like I was exactly where I was meant to be in that moment.
A week or so later, I was feeling really low (as one does when they’re depressed) and I was trying my best to get some work done (which I’ve mentioned in previous posts, was feeling impossible). In all honestly, I was really just staring at my computer screen trying not to have a panic attack when my friend Shawn (again, thanks for forcing me out of my shell by the way, if you’re reading this) texted to invite me out to an art show that our friend Stuart was taking part in. I was absoultely not in the mood to do anything but crawl into my bed and feel sorry for myself, but because I’ve been through many things that have dragged me into the depths of despair through isolating myself, I decided to do the opposite and go.
I’m so glad that I did go, because Stuart and I ended up connecting more and through that, two exciting events happened. We went to Missy’s (again) a week or so later and we bumped into his friend who was looking for someone to take care of her place while she went travelling. Funnily enough I had been looking at apartments in that exact area, with no luck so far. I wanted to be downtown and specifically walking distance to my yoga studio so I wouldn’t need my car (which was still living in Vancouver) so this seemed too good to be true. A couple of weeks later, I moved my few belongings into her place, which is where I’m writing this from now!
The next thing that happened is that we started having a conversation about the gaps we noticed within the arts community here in Calgary. Through that train of thought we ended up on the topic of how amazing it would be to own a gallery and make those changes that we want to see ourselves, from the inside. And we decided to just go for it. Stuart and I started NEST Gallery and haved already planned a handful of art shows over the spring and summer with the goal to open an actual physical space which has always been a dream of mine. And for a little bit of shameless self promotion, go follow us on Instagram. You can see more details about our first group show we’re hosting on April 29th called “Year of The Rabbit” on our website at nestgallery.ca. And if you’re in Calgary, you should definitely come!
Most recently, I reconnected with a family friend who introduced me to someone at an agency in Calgary. Today, I officially began working as a Senior Graphic Designer at this company. Working within an agency has been a goal of mine, and I am excited to have this opportunity to further establish my career in design. Taking on a full-time role will also free up my spare time to focus on my fine art practice, writing, and the gallery. These were all goals I was focused on achieving, and everything is falling into place as I had hoped!
Long story short, within the span of about 3 months my life started unfolding in a way that felt so aligned to who I am at my core. Going through such a painful and confusing situation, while simultaneously building a life that I feel like I could only previously dream about was actually a really incredible experience. I had the courage to fully accept the changes that were unfolding, and the universe presented me with so many beautiful opportunities that have set my life on a completely different, but much more meaningful path.
The reason why I felt the urge to share these experiences is because it’s all testament to the reality that when life takes a sudden unplanned (and difficult) turn, it might be the catalyst for the most positive change in your life that you didn’t even know you needed. It’s something to feel really hopefully about if you’re going through something similar. Keep your heart and your mind open, life is mysterious and beautiful.
The title of this journal entry is inspired by a song I’ve listened to on repeat for the past few months.
